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What You Dont Know Cant Hurt You.
by Phil Truman
When Dan told me this months WFD would have an
equine theme, my immediate response was, "How can you devote a whole issue to
one specific medicine?" He replied, "Its not about medicine, you moron." And I
said, "Okay, vitamins. Lets not split hairs here, editor breath. The thing is,
all I know about equine is that its what they use to treat malaysia. Why dont
you do an issue about horses or something?"
"You are such an idiot," he said
"No, you are," I said.
"Nuh-uh, you are."
"Youre a big dope."
"And youre a moron
"You already said that."
"Why dont you just write about something you
know, chicken lips."
Fortunately, this little meeting between two
skilled and learned professionals helped me come up with an idea for this
column: Drugs. No, wait, thats the essay I promised to help Dan write for his
probation officer. The column idea is "Writing What You Know."
To keep this from being the worlds shortest
column, considering the topic, I asked my research assistant to look some things
up for me on the net. However, she said Id have to wait until she got home from
shopping with her friend Amy, and could she please have some money to buy gas.
So I gave her my last twenty bucks and told her she needed to start buying her
own gas. "I know, daddy. Thanks," she said with dimples. Then she kissed me on
the forehead and left.
One thing I do know, you should not try to
negotiate with teenage daughters, especially if youre a dad, especially if they
are seniors in high school. For one thing, theres nothing you can tell them
that they dont already know. For another, anything you say can, and will, be
used against you in a court of law
wait, were back to Dans probation officer
again. Sometimes if I hit the side of my head just right, the neurons re-align
themselves. Hold on
WHOA, DUDE! There. Now, what I meant to say was, anything
you say would only be spoken by an extreme dorkhead (a.k.a., father) and would
have no relevance to anything. So why should she or her friends bother
Take, for instance, the whole prom dress thing,
just to show you what else I dont know. Its unfathomable to me that in a city
with enough malls and stores to put us on the EPAs Dangerous Shopping Level
List, a seventeen year old girl cant find a prom dress. Also, why all of the
"possible-but-lets-look-a-few-more-places" candidates have to be in the Send a
Space Probe to Mars price range.
Now Im thinking, guys dont have this kind of
trouble. If we had to buy ourselves a prom dress, several of us would pile into
the primer-gray Camero, turn our ballcaps backwards, and head for Bobs Big Barn
of Prom Dresses. We would find something satisfactory in less than 15 minutes
and head home, stopping only long enough to check out the big screen TVs
showing a tape of ESPNs College Cheerleaders Nationals.
So whats all this got to do with the subject of
writing? Whats my theme? My premise? Why is this nonsense even printed here?
Have I taken my medication lately? Let me see if I can answer these questions in
simple terms: I dont know.
© Copyright 1999, Phil Truman
Phil Truman's website is philtrumanink.com.
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